Soul Searching--or something like it.

I am currently in the middle of this book called, The Sound of Paper. So far it has been a journey into my creative heart that through the hassle and bussle of life can be ignored. The journey has been amazing, a real opportunity to find my inner needs, both emotional and creative and let them be heard. After each short essay is a writing exercise, or just a good excuse to spend some quality time with you pen to the page. The following are the results of a few of the exercises.

If the best of all possible world were reality,.....
- I'd confront my doubts
- I'd publish a book
- I'd work to renew my friendships.
- I'd believe in myself.
- I'd write daily despite my laziness.
- I'd work hard to practice my art.
- I'd spend more time with the Lord.


And the idea that through this journey and help in opening my creative side comes the acknowledgment that there is indeed a larger power speaking through me.

Childhood God:

1. Large
2. powerful
3. beard
4. sheep
5. loving
6. watching
7. constant
8. obligation
9. ten commandments
10. Lenten Soup suppers

Adult God:

1. options
2. Grace
3. understanding
4. listens
5. common ground
6. support
7. reformation
8. prayer
9. friend
10. confidant

Dear God,

You have gone from an obligation to an option. From a beard with sheep to a friend that I look for everyday. The required church attendance has now become something I look forward to every week. Please bless our relationship. I ask for help in believing you have a plan and for strength in trusting you. I've always been patience and pray for help. I also look for you to bless my creative juice as I work on expressing myself more frequently on paper. Amen

Promise

So one of my roommates, and not to mention best friends has made this promise to one of her ex-boyfriends that she will never drink alcohol again. Which is hard for me to comprehend. Would I ever be able to make a promise to someone about how I live my life, and feel good about myself in the end?
I don't think I would. I can make promises to myself but only when I feel completely dedicated to the cause. Once I feel like I'm hindering myself I back out.
Making that sort of promise to someone else would make me feel like I was suffocating myself- what makes them think they can have control over my decisions? Who are they to say?
But is it stubbornness or am I that controlling of myself and my relationships? Will I ever be able to commit my word or actions to someone else so we can share a life together? Perhaps I'm not mature enough yet? Or maybe I just haven't met the person yet that is worth these sorts of sacrifices-not that I would ever give up alcohol-but maybe someday promises like these wont seem like sacrifices? And until them I might just have to keep living for myself.

Horoscope

My horoscope for this week reads:" Belief is the end of intelligence, says philosopher Robert Anton Wilson. The moment you become attached to an opinion or theory, no matter how good or true or beautiful it might seem, you're no longer fully open to the mysteries that life brings you. Your perceptiveness wanes and your understanding shrinks. This is always important to keep in mind, of course, but especially so this week. A wave of raw truth is headed your way, and yet you will miss it completely unless you take a vacation from your beliefs about the way the world works."

If I spend my whole life believing that the Lord is my savior and everything is planned, good or bad, then what else will my mind ever be able to comprehend? I'm limiting my brain's potential.
As I was watching Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy, last night, I found myself thinking the same thing. It's fun to think of all that possibility could be out there, or that other galaxies created Earth as an artistic project. (And I know I need to read the book--or even finish the movie--for a more complete idea.) But as soon as I found myself getting carried away in other people's imaginations I reminded myself of evolution and the scientific reality that is my world.
So as much as I want to firmly believe in God, perhaps my path is only limiting my brain and heart from seeing other amazing possibilities?

Balance

"The world is a balance of composition and improvisation, that music and religion are echoic and that writing is spiritual."

I read this quote the other day from a local poet, Norman Weinstein. I had to stop and think about the idea for a minute. And I realized that on some days that isn't so far from the truth. Writing for me is spiritual. There is something rhythmic and blessed about putting my thoughts onto paper. The process mimics the composition and improvisation that is also the world. My conscious thoughts get a chance to meet my subconscious thoughts as the pen meets the paper.

And for this I say Grace.

Sanctuary

I've been working more and more at retreating into God's word and want it to be a safe place I go for guidance, a place where I find Him, rather than just more questions.
This is now where I do feel God:
At church sometimes on rare occasions I get goose bumps-never from scripture or sermons but from the people around me. From seeing their love for God through each smile and embrace. Even on Tuesdays when college students gather for 2 hrs to talk with each other I feel alive and strong-surrounded by a group of other believers, these are places I find strength.
And on dark cold nights when I feel as if He just may be the only one listening those thousands of tiny stars become my sanctuary. And on hot summer days when the heat is dry and still I find solace and joy in the breeze that breaks the moment.
But even these moments are brief and disjointed. Even as He would like us to build up Sanctuaries in our homes and in our relationships, there are some days when it becomes hard for me to actually feel Him, or to even remember.