Alone

How long have you been alone? Not alone, like by yourself while studying, or walking home, but honstely alone. Alone, as in solo, only you and the silence for a period of time. Short or long, doesn't matter.

We had a guest speaker in my non-fiction class today who asked us this question. He had sailed from the Panama canal to Hawaii in 53 days, solo. By himself for 53 days, nothing but him and the open sea.

I was alone when I drove cross country this summer. Alone as in driving by myself. Alone meaning at the end of the day I would speak with the waitress at dinner and the front desk attendant at my motel.
During those 10 hour drives from Idaho to Wisconsin, in my red Blazer while blasting Ben Harper, I wish I had used the time to contemplate. To sink my mind into an idea and dissect it. But I concentrated more on goals, on my needs and wants from my summer's adventure. I thought mostly about what I wanted this summer to stand for, and more about what I would stand for once it was over.

Looks like it's time for a solo trip. A real solo trip, a hero's journey, as they call it in the literary world. An epic adventure that brings me home a firm believer in myself and in the distance I will then be able to cover with another.

Where shall I go? And what would I think about?

That was it

I said goodbye to my best friend today. I said goodbye before she leaves next week for Argentina where she will be until July. Not knowing again when I will see her, I wished her farewell.
Saying goodbye is something we do often, goodbye is said at all holidays we go home for, at the end of telephone calls, which are less and less often these days, at the end of summer vacations, last year when she studied abroad, whenever our time together must end.
I hate goodbyes, I dread them. I'm not one for change, and I hate the idea of spending the rest of the day without them. It makes that transition awkward and I feel lonely and nostalgic for the rest of the day.
This goodbye was easy. I didn't cry as I normally do. We merely hugged and I wished her a fabulous semester and a safe drive home. And that was it. That was it. I shut the car door and went on with my day. I thought of her a little as I took study breaks. But that was it. That was it. That was all I could give her as she travels to another country, and as she drove 5 hours for the weekend to visit me, and as our future plans seem so uncertain.

But as the weekend wore on I also realized how much we had both changed. She wasn't the same girl I usually say goodbye to. We have changed, we have had different experiences, we are different people. And it's hard to say goodbye to a friend who is like a stranger.

And for that, I say Grace.