I had a break down point the other night. It took a good 2 hour heart-to-heart with my best friend to clear my mind. However, my mind is never really clear until I write it down.

Let me preface this a little: I live in a house with five other girls-all of whom I consider some of my best friends. There are no other girls on this campus that I would rather live with. However, last year they didn’t all have boyfriends, or at least boy issues. The conversation the past few weeks has been dominated by boy problems. My problem- that gets old! But the biggest problem- I have nothing. These superficial conversations have left me feeling empty, bitter and even more cynical.

The following are my thoughts. I need to find myself again. I know I have the ability to love myself without a guy. I just need to find that part of me. I have to get past the petty relationship conversations that go on inside my house and love the girls behind the boys. I even need to remember that I am pretty. And not even that I need to look like every other college girl but I need to remember how I use to be happy with not looking like every other girl.

What is it about our society that makes single girls feel worthless? Why do we need a man by our side? Why do college girls spend every waking moment obsessing about how they look, and how they act around others? It’s all to get a guy. And this realization is making it hard for me to function lately. Last year I didn’t care-but this year I'm the only one without a boyfriend-therefore it’s a pressure or sort of thing-I'm the only one without one-and that’s all we talk about anyway-so its just a spiral in a downward direction. And all this adds together and makes me feel ugly and inadequate. As if everything I'm doing is going unnoticed-or unreported. At the end of the day no one is really asking how I am or checking in on me every moment of the day.

I feel good about my professional, education tract. I love my classes and where I'm going in the business world-this is what I need to focus on. Rather than what guy can fulfill my emotional physical needs-how can I personally fill my calling and my goals? These are the things that should really matter in the world. My goals should trump all these bitter inadequate emotions-because at the end of the day that’s all that really matters. Is who I am-what I believe-how I make myself happy. At the end of the day I'm the only one that matters. And that’s what I need to find again. How I can change this situation and how I can make myself happy. Screw the dating world-I didn’t need a guy last year and I don’t need one this year. I can be independent.

I survived!

I suppose though it would be hard not to survive in a place like this. It was absolutely gorgeous. And the people were fun too, and I learned a lot about myself. I was independent and I did make friends. The camp itself, along with the people were very different than Luther Heights-but that was all to be expected. I was impressed with myself for leaving it all behind and reminding myself each say that it was a new experience and it wasn't even fair to compare them. So instead I got out and learned a lot about myself, and all the things I value in a person and in an experience and stuck to it.

Now I'm back in Moscow and getting back in the swing of things. It is going to be a crazy semester-but something tells me I'll survive. Only 18 credits and 2 internships--but it is all stuff I love.

I hope to post on a regular basis--but don't hold me to that.