Grace

Who's line is it?

2008-12-15T16:24:00.000-08:00

I spent two days last week at a career transition seminar, it was part of my severance package. We spent most of the time concentrating on resumes and networking techniques. But some time on the first day was spent talking about transition and what it means while looking for a new job.

The speaker emphasized how important it is to spend time reflecting on what it is you want from your next job and what you want long-term. Once you know that it's easier to focus your time on jobs that will get you where you want to go. Those dreams will suddenly become reality, it's one of those "we create our own destiny" scenarios.

I've always lived this way. That book "The Secret" was no surprise to me. My problem with this way of thinking when it comes to jobs is: I THINK I know what I want but ultimately I'm capable of being happy where ever I may end up. Take for instance my last job, never in a million years did I think I'd be at REIT doing marketing for a cause I don't particularly believe in, yet I was happy there. I made the most out of it, learned a ton and made a lot of friends.

So as I do the job search it's hard for me to rule things out simply because it's not in my line of vision (and for the record, I think my age makes my line of vision more narrow than it should be, simply because I have limited experiences...). Who am I to say "yes" or "no" to opportunities simply because I haven't yet dreamt of the idea?

For instance I had an interview on Friday at a capital management firm. I went in thinking it was strictly administrative based on the job posting, and should I get an offer there was no way I'd accept it. Turns out it was more or less what I was doing at my old job; something I know I'm capable of and somewhat enjoy doing. Although it wasn't something I would normally picture myself doing I really believe it was something I'd enjoy. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on what comes to fruition), however, they decided I wouldn't be happy there long-term. (Which is a whole other discussion.)

For the most part I know what I'm looking for and intend on making something along those line happen. But for the most part, when it comes to the job search I really like the "what's meant to be will be" approach. I'm not really the only person in charge here. I just need to keep an open mind and be willing to give anything a try.

Unemployment

2008-12-08T13:35:00.001-08:00

I like that I can come back to my blog as things in my life change, or as I have some extra time and the need to write!

I was laid-off a few weeks ago-hence the abundance of time! I'm still kind of sad about it, I put everything I had into that job for the past 3 years. It might have not been my dream job but I really enjoyed going to work everyday and made some wonderful friends.

I made it to our company holiday party last night, my closest coworkers insisted I be there. It wasn't as awkward as I had imagine, just a few people I avoided. All in all we eat and drank and danced till they kicked us out. Nothing beats partying on the company's dime!

And now I continue the daily search for employment and answers to BIG life questions. I suck at making decisions. I feel like there are an infinite amount of paths before me and no matter which one I take my life will go in a completely different direction. Depending on the day this "freedom" is both liberating and exhausting. I have to remind myself, it must be taken one day at a time, and I really should be thankful for the chance to start over without any strings!

I'm not the kind of person to get stressed or over anxious about things that might be or never are. I do what can; send out resumes to jobs that interest me (in a variety of locations), run, read and eat up my days surfing the web. So as much as I hate being idol and waiting for something to come along, that's just about all I can do for now....and besides that means you might just get to hear a little more from me! :-)

Rain, rain go away

2008-01-27T14:31:00.000-08:00

What a yucky day- but a great weekend!
I was doing overtime all last week as I tried to stay afloat at work, so needless to say I was more than ready for Friday!
I stayed in Friday night, I pumped up the music and my roommate and her boyfriend and I made pizza, talked and shared stories. In May we are all heading to Peru to see:

So we did some planning and some online shopping.
On Saturday I did an early morning hike in hopes of getting geared up for the Inca Trail.
We intended to make a trip up to the mountains to play in the snow but it seems that everyone in LA had the same idea, the 2 was ridiculous! So we turned around and went to the Observatory for a little excursion. It was a crystal clear day before the clouds rolled in, something you have to take advantage of around here!
Saturday night I met up with some friends from Idaho who were in town for a comedy show. My friend has given up his day job in the hopes of becoming a stand up comedian, so he was out in Studio City doing a free gig last night. It was a great time, he was honesty one of the better comics. We all ended up over here after the show for a few beers.
And today I was supposed to have my first golf lesson but the course has been turned into lake so will be postponed until next week. So instead I'm cleaning out my inbox, and catching up on emails.

Here's to a great weekend!

The gift of Television

2008-01-20T19:12:00.000-08:00

About 2 months ago my roommate and I cut the cable cord. We turned in our cable box, put Mr. TiVo in the closet and started pocketing $126 a month. Instead of sitting in front of a box every night, we now indulge ourselves in NPR, Netflixs, and conversation. Man how the world has changed! I didn't have TV all through college and we got along just fine, homework ate up my evenings and we had beer for entertainment!

Since college though, TV has come to fill my evenings and conversations. The lunch room at work is filled with TV talk, American Idol, Desperate Housewives, Dance Wars, we even watch CNN while we eat. But since I no longer have TV I sit quietly and offer little tidd-bits of TV news I've read in the paper.
I've come to enjoy it, my coworkers, however, worry about my sanity and roll their eyes when I have to remind them I don't have TV when they ask me if I saw Dance Wars last night.

Thus came the pressure to just plug the TV back in and watch basic cable, mostly so I could converese with the outside world, because apparently TV plays a big part. So we gave that a try, only to find that we have 70 crystal clear cable channels just waiting for us in the TV. I'm not sure if there is something wrong or what, but we have TV! But not only do we have TV, we have FREE cable!
So do I give in and turn on the box or just pretend we don't have it anymore??

Today's Lesson

2008-01-17T22:40:00.000-08:00

Sometimes we don't always get what we want.

Sure there are many examples of times when I just didn't get what I wanted. I'm sure there was some Christmas when I wanted a pony and didn't get a pony. But all in all, I've always worked hard, always done the right thing and I've been rewarded justly. Sure things have taken time and sure there has been disappointment but in the end things have worked out.

This job thing as of late has not been going in my favor. I want this promotion so badly, but today I learned there are 48 other applicants, that's 48 other people who will most likely out shine me. Granted nothing has been decided and I have no idea which way things are leaning, other than the fact that my boss has told me to expect a raise at the end of February. This to me means that I will get a raise, not the promotion, in hopes that I will stay while they hire someone else for the open spot.
Now that's not a horrible spot to be in, luckily I'm being compensated for my extra work, but I didn't go to school for 4 years, work my butt off doing internships and volunteer work, work very diligently in this position for almost 2 years, all the while being told that I'm being trained to ultimately fill the open position, and not be given the promotion.
That leaves me wondering what I'm working towards??
Now I know I'm jumping the gun, but that's what all this waiting is doing to my mind and my ego! Things move so slowly in the HR department!!
I must keep remembering that things always work out, it might not be what I want or think I deserve but it will turn into something.

All this for nothing...

2008-01-13T19:37:00.000-08:00

Look what I found right outside LA this weekend! SNOW! I did some playing in it, ate it, and snowshoed in it! It was weird to be in snow but not be cold...but I think it's something I could get use to.

I was just sitting here feeling sorry for myself so thought I'd write a little in hopes of getting it out of my system. Sunday nights are sometimes too long.

After a year and a half in LA I feel like I'm still missing a friend to call up randomly and do things with. I'm not sure if "adults" do that sort of thing but I really miss those sorts of connections. Perhaps LA is just too large, it could take a good 30 min drive over to someone's house if they don't live close. It's also just hard to make connections with people here, I feel like my interests are a little different (I don't follow celebrity news or watch movies as a pastime.).
It's not that I haven't tried either, I challenge myself to create social situations with at least one person every weekend, it just gets exhausting. It's tiring to tell each new person your general life story and think of interesting questions to ask them, to carry on meaningless conversation and to then do it all over again. None of my relationships for the last year and a half have become deeper, they're still surface relationships, I have yet to really let them into my entire world. I'm forced to say good bye and hello so often that things are always new and never real.

On a side note, I am off tomorrow on my first ever solo work trip. I will be running the show and calling the punches. I'm nervous, mostly that I wont know the answers to all the questions or I'll do something that will make people question my abilities to do all this on my own. I'm a people pleaser and I hate making mistakes when everyone is watching. And I know everyone is watching, not only do I have big shoes to fill I'm also quite young to be telling 50 year old men what they should do for their marketing efforts.

Wish me luck!

Projecting

2008-01-08T23:10:00.000-08:00

I am a part of these 20-somethings women's support group. We meet once a month to discuss any sort of issues or concerns we may have going on in our life. It's really a time to sit and share, it has really helped me realize that I am not alone. It seems there are many other women out there who are the same boat as I me.
One interesting thing we discussed tonight was the theory of projecting. The idea is that things we hate in certain people are really traits that we also hold within ourselves.
I was sceptical so I offered an example to see if the theory holds true for my life, it does! Take my Boss for example, she drives me nuts! The main reasons are she's too controlling and must be the center of attention. Everything she has going on is planned out and has been scrutinized frontward and backward to make sure nothing has been looked over and in any social situation she talks over people and has to tell too many stories and details about her life. Upon first glance that's nothing like me. I'm a very laid back person, very self-assured, but dig a little deeper and tonight I realized that as laid back as I'd like to appear what bothers me about her is that everything she's planned and telling me about, I've already thought of and accounted for, I'm just annoyed to find that I've already over thought all those details. As for the talking and constant battle to prove herself, I do that in a different fashion. I'm a pleaser, rather than striving to fit in by sharing too many details with people I do everything I can to make sure they like me, I'm not as self-assured as I thought I was if I'm hung up on pleasing everyone all the time.
It's just interesting to think about. And I know now that I see these things in myself it will make it easier for me to like her because now we have some sort of connection, I have something to relate with.
Too bad tomorrow is her last day...

Stalling

2008-01-06T23:12:00.000-08:00

It's Sunday night around 11 o'clock, I'm usually flipping off the light just about now, but tonight I'm in one of those "I'm not quite ready for the day to be over" type moods.
I get that way at night sometimes. Not that I had too great of a day that I don't want it to end, just that I sometimes think twice about starting a new day and stepping one day closer to the end of my journey. Not to be too pessimistic or dark, but just that I'm more sensitive now towards life and the great gift that it is. And that realization sometimes makes falling asleep a little harder to do sometimes.
So I'll just revel a little in what a great weekend this was and remember how thankful I am for the many blessings I have.

REWIND:
Friday: My boss, for the first time since I started working for her, let me leave early! I spent my extra time at Best Buy looking for a new stereo. That place is a shit hole! I had never been, and I'm NEVER going back. They had every TV in the store on, the store was a mess and all they seemed that the sales boy thought would suit my needs were a bunch of cheap looking boom=boxes 12 year olds would be jealous of. It was like a Wal-Mart for electronics. NEVER AGAIN.
I spent the rest of the night watching a season of Golden Girls on Netflixs and listening to the rain.
Saturday: I got my haircut in the morning (I'm still trying to like it). I then spent a few hours trying to get into my car. It seems I have broken the latch on my driver side door. The lock would go up and down but the door wouldn't open. So I called a lock smith and had them open my driver side door (because that lock has never worked with my key) so they could open the driver door from the inside.
That night we had a bunch of friends over for an impromptu party. We played Harry Potter Uno, Apples to Apples, and Guitar Hero all while drinking. It was a great way to spend a rainy night!
Today: I slept till noon, don't tell anyone. The rest of the afternoon I spent at REI dreaming of summer and backpacking! And tonight I went to dinner at my folks place downtown. Mom and I made African vegetable stew--way good!

Ok, I'll regret it if I do too much more stalling. Sleep time.

Big things are brewing

2008-01-03T20:22:00.000-08:00

Three days into 2008 and change is in the wind.
My boss has resigned.
This leaves a spot for me. I have applied, this is assuming I get the position.
The only problem is I'm having a big anxiety attack. I deserve the job, I know I do. I've been the assistant now for almost 2 years and worked very hard. I'm just scared. I'm nervous about the expectations and the big shoes left to fill. I'm scared that people won't really believe in my abilities and that I'll let them all down. I know they wouldn't hire me if they didn't believe in me, but I'm scared about taking the position and not living up to the expectations.
It's just different and more expectations....that's a lot of new stuff all at one time.

It's a new year!

2008-01-02T20:46:00.000-08:00

New Year resolutions:
1. Blog daily, or close to daily.
2. Be kinder to customer service type people.
3. Learn to slow down -mostly stop rushing on work projects, in traffic and in social life
4. Write e-mails more frequently to friends and family

That's it! That's my list for 2008. I'm going to attempt to keep things simple and optimistic.
I hope you all are looking forward to hearing from me more often. I'm looking forward to sharing!

I'm home

2007-10-28T19:41:00.000-07:00

This is just one of many, but it might be one of my favorite spots we visited! We had a wonderful adventure and being back in LA hasn't really been all that great. I'm sure the stories will spill out over the next few weeks. I have many...
I'd say the best part of the whole thing was being with M and really feeling young and alive! We did the drink too much thing, the make-out with European boy thing, the Oops we forgot to book a hostel in this town thing, the oh who needs a bus lets just walk it, the oh well we'll never see them again thing, and our favorite, the oh you can sleep when you're dead thing!
All things that really make the vacation an adventure!

And now because Europe is gone, and because I've been in LA for almost a year and one half, it's time to figure out whats next...my least favorite thing about life!

Today, I'm thinking this looks really good! Bike Tour Guide in Paris!

For Four Weeks

2007-09-21T23:53:00.000-07:00

I'm off to Europe. Off to Europe for four weeks.

I'm very excited!
It will be the classic two best-friends with nothing but their backpacks and an open world.
After spending the week with three girls all around my age, two of whom were married this summer and one who is in the process of planning her wedding, I'm ready to reclaim my single self! I've never felt so old!
With that said, I'm signing off!
I shall return a little more cultured, a little more independent,

Complaints and Joys

2007-09-12T20:26:00.000-07:00

Complaints of the day:

Today our TiVo today suggested we may like "Yes, Dear" and "King of Queens." We have WAY better taste than that.

The gym was closed. 24 Hour Fitness was closed. It's NEVER supposed to be closed.

The printer at work would not stop jamming (as in paper jam) and then the 40 copies it did print were crooked.

Joys of the day:

I leave for Europe in 10 days!

Teddy, our dog would not stop playing catch-too cute.

I had a cup of Watermelon juice and a brownie for lunch.

Sushi!

2007-09-09T11:54:00.000-07:00

This weekend was our (my roommate and I) first party. We called it a housewarming Sushi Extravaganza. And it was a hit. We made all our own sushi in a variety of flavors, made up some egg rolls, and pot stickers, warmed up the sake, brought in the Plum wine and imported beer, and some Muchi balls for a late night treat. We had a good turn out, 25 or so, many who stayed till around 1. I feel like our home is much warmer now. Or at least my heart is. I have friends in LA! Or rather, I have people who want to come to my home on a Saturday night and join us for food fun. It really feels like home when you can share it with people. Here's to LA and my new friends!

Backpacking

2007-09-03T17:42:00.000-07:00

A year ago today I drove into LA with all my belongings packed in my truck. What better way to celebrate a year in this city than to leave it for the weekend and remember what really matters in life.

This is where I spent this weekend. For me there is nothing like backpacking to really bring you back to the basics. When you're out in the middle of nowhere with nothing but freeze-dried food, your own two legs and lots of water, you quickly remember what really matters in life.
At the end of the day your thankful for the many deep breaths, the amazing beauty of your surroundings, and the time to clear your mind.
Before moving to LA, backpacking was not only an escape from the over indulgent lifestyle but also a good excuse to spend intense quality time with friends. With no TV, phones or other commitments you really get to connect with the people you're hiking with. Some of my most treasured memories come from weekend backpacking trips and the adventures that come with them.
In LA however, my friends are few and far between. Now backpacking is still an escape from the everyday, but it's also an excuse to concentrate on myself. It's now real alone time, where all other distractions have fallen away and it's just me and my thoughts.
This weekend was a time to reconnect with myself, to remember where I've been and where I may be headed. Although I felt alone and even farther away from home than most days, I was thankful for the solitude and for the chance to escape and for the chance to realize just how much I love sharing experiences like these with people I love.
Backpacking may be a great way to reconnect with yourself, but I'm not sure that's what I like about it. I was feeling lonely and isolated much of the time, I was missing interaction; the chance to fart in the tent and know you'll get a response, the chance to share the reward of peaking a mountain, the chance to make your friend eat the rest of your dinner and the chance to discuss the meaning of life or your best drinking story.
And although this is just one weekend of many I've spent mostly alone since I moved here, it's a prime example of the most important thing I've learned upon entering the "real" world; life is meant to be shared.
And I'm thankful for this lesson. It makes each day spent with friends, or strangers, a little sweeter. It makes random experiences shared with another person all that more meaningful, and above all it makes me aware of my interactions with others-my ability to share myself and to liven someone else's days.
For this, I say Grace.

yikes

2007-08-28T20:39:00.000-07:00

As I eluded to last in my last post, a lot of things have changed in the past two years, enough to make me reread through my previous posts and be kind of self-conscious.
I knew little about the world; I knew something about being a college kid and the ways in which I thought the world would be after graduation but those ideas haven't taken me very far. I've learned a lot about myself, but I probably still don't know enough.

These days I like to think of myself as more independent and self-sufficient but in all actuality I've needed my family and friends now more than I ever had in the past. I had this big idea that the real world would be me on my own making things happen. And it's been that way to a degree, but behind that it has also been a lot of phone calls, tear filled nights and a few hours of counseling. It's been a lot of people giving their ears and arms to me, and my true friends have never left my side.
The real world is scary, I think it will always be scary...but if there's one thing I didn't know before I graduated, it is that I will never be alone. My independent self has been humbled a little, marriage doesn't seem so bad, promises to people you love don't seem so hard to make, and doing things your own feminist way is only going to get you so far. It's ok to lean on people, and it's OK to ask for help.

For these lessons I say grace.

Im back!

2007-08-27T20:09:00.000-07:00

I've decided to get back into blogging. I'm out of school now and have a lot more time on my hands, miss writing and am almost sick of TV.
So alas, here I am again, back at the keys.
I think a lot has changed in my life since my last post, or maybe not that much has changed so much as I have changed. I look at the world a little differently these days.
I think as I post and explore these ideas a little further we'll both begin to see how things have changed.
So while we get to know each other again, here's my opening statement (because I haven't been out of school for that long):
I'm an Idaho raised liberal living in Los Angeles, where there are more people in my neighborhood than in my hometown, working in marketing and treating every day as if I were on vacation, and missing snow and change in weather.
Here's to a great combination!

Outlive the bastards!!

2006-02-27T15:49:00.000-08:00

"One final paragraph of advice: ... It is not enough to fight for the land; it is even more important to enjoy it. While you can. While it is still there. So get out there and mess around with your friends, ramble out yonder and explore the forests, encounter the grizz, climb the mountains. Run the rivers, breathe deep of that yet sweet and lucid air, sit quietly for a while and contemplate the precious stillness, that lovely, mysterious and awesome space.
Enjoy yourselves, keep your brain in your head and your head
firmly attached to your body, the body active and alive, and I promise you this much: I promise you this one sweet victory over our enemies, over those deskbound people with their
hearts in a safe deposit box and their eyes hypnotized by desk calculators. I promise you this: you will outlive the
bastards."
-Edward Abbey

Marriage- part 2

2006-02-19T18:26:00.000-08:00

On Valentine's Day I spent most of the evening at a bar with a friend discussing boys. Not in the negative, anti-V-day sense, but in the celebration of our independence. It was a night to celebrate love, in many regards. We ended up discussing love and marriage with a previous classmate. He is married and finishing his masters while his wife works in Texas.
I openly expressed my doubts and fears of both love and marriage. And he openly shared his experiences with us. It was a truly opening experience for us all.
And in the end it got me thinking. Maybe the reason people get married is because they don't want to be alone. If this world is so large and we rarely make lasting connections, marriage must be away to ensure that our lives wont go unnoticed. Life isn't meant to be lived alone. It can act as a way to ensure that one person, for the rest of your life, will be interested in you. That your actions will never be unnoticed.
As I think about the direction my life will take after graduation, I've found that I kept wishing for another person to make plans with. Or some sort of obligation I had for someone else. But all I have is myself.
So after this realization, I was thinking about how it must be a natural feeling to want someone else to make plans with. I want someone to take those steps with. And it also explains that empty feeling I have at the end of the day when I realize no one else really knows what I did all day. I don't want to live life alone, at least not all of it.
For now I'm ok with taking those steps into the future with no one else. It's scary, but I need this chance to grow.

Feminism

2005-12-22T15:32:00.000-08:00

I just finished the book, "Are Men Necessary?" by Maureen Dowd. I strongly urge anyone interested in gender politics to read it, or at least the first and last chapters.
Just to clarify, men are necessary. And I didn't really need to read the book to figure that out. But it did bring to light a couple of issues that I have been struggling with myself:

The idea of feminism taking a swing back the glory of the 1950's way of life. The whole idea of the happy homemaker and more and more women looking to change their name and start a family.
That plastic surgery has taken a 500 percent increase in the last five years. Women and paying more money and spending more time obsessing about their looks. how can we say that we (women) should be treated equally in the workforce, when you (women) are obviously showing men that we still rely on our looks and care about what other people think of us. Seems unproductive to me.
Women seem to have given up on the notion of feminism and all that it stood for in the 70s. Now it seems easier for women to flaunt their looks and to continue to use their sexual power.

And I have become a lot more comfortable (even within the last year) with what it means to be a single women and just what I want my mark on society to be. So as much as the book made me want to never be girly again, it also made me more aware of just how I can use my womanhood to make a change.

I'm a WOMAN hear me ROAR!

Marriage

2005-11-07T21:19:00.000-08:00

I have never fantasize about my wedding day. NEVER. Not even when I was little did I dream about the BIG day and what I'd look like or what He would look like. (Well I guess in 3rd grade I got this idea that I wanted to get married at Walt Disney World...but it was one of those dreams that always seemed so unrealistic that it was easier to fantasize about...)

Even today, as a senior in college my wedding plans don't exist. I assume I will be married at one time or another. But certainly not within a year and one half. Today I could honestly see myself as happily married or single for the rest of my life. My emotions don't lean one strong way or the other.

They do however lean way against not getting married right after college. In fact I'm against the idea. And I have a very hard time understanding or being happy for girls who are ready for that sacrifice. Like, such a hard time that it leads me to tears.

This article might help explain my view. http://www.nytimes.com/2005/10/30/magazine/30feminism.html?emc=eta1

And I know that my viewpoint isn't any more right than theirs in my eyes. Or even how can I see where they are coming from, seeing as I have never been in their shoes?

I mostly want to know why the idea itself make me so upset? How is my judgment going to change anything?

Soul Searching--or something like it.

2005-10-30T21:01:00.000-08:00

I am currently in the middle of this book called, The Sound of Paper. So far it has been a journey into my creative heart that through the hassle and bussle of life can be ignored. The journey has been amazing, a real opportunity to find my inner needs, both emotional and creative and let them be heard. After each short essay is a writing exercise, or just a good excuse to spend some quality time with you pen to the page. The following are the results of a few of the exercises.

If the best of all possible world were reality,.....
- I'd confront my doubts
- I'd publish a book
- I'd work to renew my friendships.
- I'd believe in myself.
- I'd write daily despite my laziness.
- I'd work hard to practice my art.
- I'd spend more time with the Lord.

And the idea that through this journey and help in opening my creative side comes the acknowledgment that there is indeed a larger power speaking through me.

Childhood God:

Large
powerful
beard
sheep
loving
watching
constant
obligation
ten commandments
Lenten Soup suppers

Adult God:

options
Grace
understanding
listens
common ground
support
reformation
prayer
friend
confidant

Dear God,

You have gone from an obligation to an option. From a beard with sheep to a friend that I look for everyday. The required church attendance has now become something I look forward to every week. Please bless our relationship. I ask for help in believing you have a plan and for strength in trusting you. I've always been patience and pray for help. I also look for you to bless my creative juice as I work on expressing myself more frequently on paper. Amen

Promise

2005-10-02T20:47:00.000-07:00

So one of my roommates, and not to mention best friends has made this promise to one of her ex-boyfriends that she will never drink alcohol again. Which is hard for me to comprehend. Would I ever be able to make a promise to someone about how I live my life, and feel good about myself in the end?
I don't think I would. I can make promises to myself but only when I feel completely dedicated to the cause. Once I feel like I'm hindering myself I back out.
Making that sort of promise to someone else would make me feel like I was suffocating myself- what makes them think they can have control over my decisions? Who are they to say?
But is it stubbornness or am I that controlling of myself and my relationships? Will I ever be able to commit my word or actions to someone else so we can share a life together? Perhaps I'm not mature enough yet? Or maybe I just haven't met the person yet that is worth these sorts of sacrifices-not that I would ever give up alcohol-but maybe someday promises like these wont seem like sacrifices? And until them I might just have to keep living for myself.

Horoscope

2005-10-02T13:15:00.000-07:00

My horoscope for this week reads:" Belief is the end of intelligence, says philosopher Robert Anton Wilson. The moment you become attached to an opinion or theory, no matter how good or true or beautiful it might seem, you're no longer fully open to the mysteries that life brings you. Your perceptiveness wanes and your understanding shrinks. This is always important to keep in mind, of course, but especially so this week. A wave of raw truth is headed your way, and yet you will miss it completely unless you take a vacation from your beliefs about the way the world works."

If I spend my whole life believing that the Lord is my savior and everything is planned, good or bad, then what else will my mind ever be able to comprehend? I'm limiting my brain's potential.
As I was watching Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy, last night, I found myself thinking the same thing. It's fun to think of all that possibility could be out there, or that other galaxies created Earth as an artistic project. (And I know I need to read the book--or even finish the movie--for a more complete idea.) But as soon as I found myself getting carried away in other people's imaginations I reminded myself of evolution and the scientific reality that is my world.
So as much as I want to firmly believe in God, perhaps my path is only limiting my brain and heart from seeing other amazing possibilities?

Balance

2005-10-02T13:05:00.000-07:00

"The world is a balance of composition and improvisation, that music and religion are echoic and that writing is spiritual."

I read this quote the other day from a local poet, Norman Weinstein. I had to stop and think about the idea for a minute. And I realized that on some days that isn't so far from the truth. Writing for me is spiritual. There is something rhythmic and blessed about putting my thoughts onto paper. The process mimics the composition and improvisation that is also the world. My conscious thoughts get a chance to meet my subconscious thoughts as the pen meets the paper.

And for this I say Grace.

Sanctuary

2005-10-02T12:58:00.000-07:00

I've been working more and more at retreating into God's word and want it to be a safe place I go for guidance, a place where I find Him, rather than just more questions.
This is now where I do feel God:
At church sometimes on rare occasions I get goose bumps-never from scripture or sermons but from the people around me. From seeing their love for God through each smile and embrace. Even on Tuesdays when college students gather for 2 hrs to talk with each other I feel alive and strong-surrounded by a group of other believers, these are places I find strength.
And on dark cold nights when I feel as if He just may be the only one listening those thousands of tiny stars become my sanctuary. And on hot summer days when the heat is dry and still I find solace and joy in the breeze that breaks the moment.
But even these moments are brief and disjointed. Even as He would like us to build up Sanctuaries in our homes and in our relationships, there are some days when it becomes hard for me to actually feel Him, or to even remember.

2005-09-19T19:45:00.000-07:00

I had a break down point the other night. It took a good 2 hour heart-to-heart with my best friend to clear my mind. However, my mind is never really clear until I write it down.

Let me preface this a little: I live in a house with five other girls-all of whom I consider some of my best friends. There are no other girls on this campus that I would rather live with. However, last year they didn’t all have boyfriends, or at least boy issues. The conversation the past few weeks has been dominated by boy problems. My problem- that gets old! But the biggest problem- I have nothing. These superficial conversations have left me feeling empty, bitter and even more cynical.

The following are my thoughts. I need to find myself again. I know I have the ability to love myself without a guy. I just need to find that part of me. I have to get past the petty relationship conversations that go on inside my house and love the girls behind the boys. I even need to remember that I am pretty. And not even that I need to look like every other college girl but I need to remember how I use to be happy with not looking like every other girl.

What is it about our society that makes single girls feel worthless? Why do we need a man by our side? Why do college girls spend every waking moment obsessing about how they look, and how they act around others? It’s all to get a guy. And this realization is making it hard for me to function lately. Last year I didn’t care-but this year I'm the only one without a boyfriend-therefore it’s a pressure or sort of thing-I'm the only one without one-and that’s all we talk about anyway-so its just a spiral in a downward direction. And all this adds together and makes me feel ugly and inadequate. As if everything I'm doing is going unnoticed-or unreported. At the end of the day no one is really asking how I am or checking in on me every moment of the day.

I feel good about my professional, education tract. I love my classes and where I'm going in the business world-this is what I need to focus on. Rather than what guy can fulfill my emotional physical needs-how can I personally fill my calling and my goals? These are the things that should really matter in the world. My goals should trump all these bitter inadequate emotions-because at the end of the day that’s all that really matters. Is who I am-what I believe-how I make myself happy. At the end of the day I'm the only one that matters. And that’s what I need to find again. How I can change this situation and how I can make myself happy. Screw the dating world-I didn’t need a guy last year and I don’t need one this year. I can be independent.

I survived!

2005-09-14T20:20:00.000-07:00

I suppose though it would be hard not to survive in a place like this. It was absolutely gorgeous. And the people were fun too, and I learned a lot about myself. I was independent and I did make friends. The camp itself, along with the people were very different than Luther Heights-but that was all to be expected. I was impressed with myself for leaving it all behind and reminding myself each say that it was a new experience and it wasn't even fair to compare them. So instead I got out and learned a lot about myself, and all the things I value in a person and in an experience and stuck to it.

Now I'm back in Moscow and getting back in the swing of things. It is going to be a crazy semester-but something tells me I'll survive. Only 18 credits and 2 internships--but it is all stuff I love.

I hope to post on a regular basis--but don't hold me to that.

Signing out

2005-06-09T14:12:00.000-07:00

This will be my last post for the summer. I head off to Skylake tomorrow and I'm still scared and nervous. I wish I were excited but I'm too busy being scared about the setting and sort of people I will work with. I seriously haven't had this sort of anxiety problem in a loong time and I'm really wondering if this is my gut warning me about something I wont enjoy.

I know last summer I was nervous and cried a lot on my way to Wisconsin, but I was also very excited about doing my own independent thing--not this summer-not at ALL.

I had to say good bye to my mom today and that was hard enough. Now I really don't want to go off to a strange place by myself.

But I'm worried cause I haven't had this lapse of confidence in a long time. I really need to find that ol'self that was ultra independent and excited about going to new places and challenging herself to get outside of her comfort zone. I know that self is still around somewhere....

Oh- I did want to give you all this link before I left. This is one of those many commencement speeches we have all been reading lately but Kingsolver is one of my favorite authors and this take is refreshing! Enjoy!

Grace

The Death of Environmentalism

2005-06-02T09:21:00.000-07:00

During the school year this is where I work: PCEI (The Palouse-Clearwater Environmental Institute). It is here where I first learned of of this little gem.

Now many, many counter pieces are being written on the problem with this article's ideas, such as this.

(I'm standing on my soap box right now-careful of flying spit...)

After reading many articles over the past few days on what various authors think is the problem with the article, "The Death of Environmentalism," I decided I agree with Michael Shellenberger and Ted Nordhaus.

This article compelled me to do something for Mother Nature. To see that after reading Muir, Dillard and even my favorite web zine www.grist.org I could be a part of the movement. It all may seem to be dead now, but Shellenberger and Nordhaus gave examples and ideas of how to revive it all.

Start on the grassroots level, find a common bond and focus, and run with it.

Rather than sitting around and debating about weather Shellenberger and Nordhaus leave out gender and race, start to understand that movements like the environmental, or feminist or generational movements can't move until those who want to be involved take charge. And I believe there is a huge reliance on the minority. History has shown that it is the minority that gets things done, it is these dedicated people that want to see a change, that in the end, make the change.

I agree that the environmental movement has been pushed by liberal white men. But I don't agree that Shellenberger and Nordhaus overlooked race and gender on purpose. In this day and age, anyone who looks at publishing such a political piece knows to look at gender and race and how it is displayed in their thoughts.

But rather I believe that they understand what has killed the movement and what it will take to revive it. It takes, organizations like the PCEI, and other local non-profit grassroots orgs. to transform what people think of saving the environment.

Shellenberger and Nordhaus stress over and over throughout their piece that "we believe the most important next steps will emerge from teams not individuals." OR "'But, if we would focus on how our interests are aligned we might craft something more creative together than apart. By signifying a unified concern for people and the climate...'"

If we as a nation could get past pointing fingers and assuming that individuals and groups are out to get the minority and believing that everything is a battle against one another I don't think the environmental movement would be dead. I don't think we would have minorities, but rather we would be a majority fighting for a common goal. If we would start to get behind one another and support each other's visions and beliefs things in this country would get done, rather than just being talked about. And this is what I think is the heart of "The Death of Environmentalism" article.

"In the absence of a bold vision and a reconsideration of the problem, environmental leaders are effectively giving the "I have a nightmare" speech, not just in our press interviews but also in the way that we make our proposals. The world's most effective leaders are not issues-identified but rather vision and value-identified. These leaders distinguish themselves by inspiring hope against fear, love against injustice and power against powerlessness."

Burned

2005-05-31T10:09:00.000-07:00

My brother's best friend's (R) house burned to the ground yesterday morning. In less than one hour the front half of the place was gone and R has third degree burns up and down his arms.

My brother (G) used to live there, but he had moved out for the spring semester. G had just gone back that night for one last party, as all the guys were moving out on the first of June. And by 6 am the next morning it was all gone.

In less than an hour your whole perspective can change. Even for me, I'm not sure how much materialistic things matter when they can be burnt to a crisp before your very eyes. At the end of the day I think all we have is each other, and the roof over our heads, but even then it's all only temporary.

Obligation

2005-05-28T18:43:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder if Im too mechanical. I'm good at doing what's right for me and knowing where exactly my heart wants. But I also think I'm good at being content with where I am and satisfied with knowing this "path" may just be the right choice.

Sometimes I look at my brother and see an independent person making his own decisions based on no one's ideas except his own. He lives completely for himself and objects fully if anyone ever interrupts him. He only worries about pleasing himself. He lives loudly.

Sometimes I wish I lived like that. I wish I could stop caring about pleasing people and make my own choices and say whatever I like when ever I like. I wish I lived more loudly.

This is where I am supposed to be

2005-05-09T20:42:00.000-07:00

After much debate and anguish I made one of the hardest decisions I've had to make in a long time. It came down to either spending the summer working as an intern at the YMCA or being a counselor at Skylake. The Y was willing to pay me a generous amount and it would have been to nice to spend a summer in Boise, as I haven't done that in over 5 years, but Skylake is one of those last "hurrah" type things, and also something I was completely terfified of. So after much coaching from both my parents I chose Skylake Yosemite Camp.
The best thing about all of this was that I learned the most valuable advice I will probably ever receive. My mom told me that whatever is the scariest in life is what I should probably go for. And I think its true, in the end the thing that was most appealing about the YMCA was that I knew I would be safe there, that it would be something I was good at and knew I could live at home and be sheltered. Whereas for Skylake its scary to think about working at a NEW camp in a NEW location with NEW people and NEW kids. But in the end this is where I will grow the most.
And as my Dad said, "Did you ever think that maybe this was what the good lord had planned?" And I think it is. I mean after this 3 month search Im back where I started with a offer to play in Yosemite all summer and GROW.
I would have been mad to turn such an offer down.
So I leave on the 6th of June, to drive down with my mom, see my Dad's apartment in Fresno and then escape to Skylake, where everything will be strange for only about 30 seconds.
Wish me luck!

Almost done!

2005-04-28T21:24:00.000-07:00

"Every exit is an entry somewhere else." -Tom Stoppard

We have 2 weeks of classes left, and I will be done with my junior year of college. I have no idea where the time went. I still have no job lined out, but I have new found faith that things will work themselves out. Right now it's looking like I will either be in Yosemite working at a camp or in Boise working for the YMCA. It has turned out to be a win-win situation.

My job on the other hand, as an RA, is slowly going to hell. My residents no longer care about school, and all have the common opinion that nothing more can happen to them. Still the most baffling thing on my mind--why would anyone EVER think it was ok to throw up on purpose in front of someone's door!

I'll never understand.

2005-04-03T21:04:00.000-07:00

Perhaps this is where Im supposed to be...

Worthless

2005-04-03T20:55:00.000-07:00

I have now been turned down for three summer jobs in a row. My once superior resume and many leadership experiences no longer cut it in the real world. I might as well just stop applying. All hope is slowly dwindling from my body and the drive to try again for another position does not exist.
I think the mountains are calling my name. I know many souls who would hire me in an instant. I know many mountains and streams that would welcome me home again to the solitude and solace. And I know many many children that would wrap their tiny arms around my waist and bubble with joy to see my face home again. Perhaps I've looked everywhere except for where I am suppose to be?

Doubt

2005-03-31T18:29:00.000-08:00

I love summer, now for different reasons that I used to. Now I love developing plans and dreaming of the possibilities that could await me. I like finding applications and different doors that may lead me to different types of employment. And I'm usually the type of person who gets excited for change, and for the possibilities of new plans.

But this year it seems I have had a lot of irons in the fire and each one keeps coming out cold. I'm tired of finding more doors and opening them only to find closed windows. I'm frustrated with not knowing where I should be or even which direction I'm supposed to go. I'm ready just to feel sorry for myself and live at home.

Easter Blues

2005-03-27T12:31:00.000-08:00

I used to love Easter. The pretty dresses at church, hunting for eggs all over the house, and even ham dinner. Now Easter has a different meaning. Now it is the party after the 40 days of Lenten journey that I struggled to take. It is the resurrection of Christ, on Sunday morning when just two days ago we had thought the Devil had won. It is God's last laugh over all things evil. It is him reassuring our hearts that when it comes to death and life, he deals the cards.

But sitting in church today, I didn't feel it like I wanted to. I was bitter and doubtful in what the holiday has come to mean. The pews were packed, as were the folding chairs stuffed in between each isle, and as I looked around the crowded church not one face looked familiar. And rather than being thankful that these strangers showed up for such a joyful celebration, I was bitter that they only came for the party and not the journey to the cross, through Lent and through the whole year.

And I know I feel this every year, and I wish I didn't. I wish it didn't bother me, as I know God is just glad that they remember and loves them just the same.

And then in the first lesson, Acts 10:34 "I now realize how true it is that God does not show favoritism but accepts men from every nation who fear him and do what is right. "

And for that I sat Grace.

Alone

2005-02-24T22:20:00.000-08:00

How long have you been alone? Not alone, like by yourself while studying, or walking home, but honstely alone. Alone, as in solo, only you and the silence for a period of time. Short or long, doesn't matter.

We had a guest speaker in my non-fiction class today who asked us this question. He had sailed from the Panama canal to Hawaii in 53 days, solo. By himself for 53 days, nothing but him and the open sea.

I was alone when I drove cross country this summer. Alone as in driving by myself. Alone meaning at the end of the day I would speak with the waitress at dinner and the front desk attendant at my motel.
During those 10 hour drives from Idaho to Wisconsin, in my red Blazer while blasting Ben Harper, I wish I had used the time to contemplate. To sink my mind into an idea and dissect it. But I concentrated more on goals, on my needs and wants from my summer's adventure. I thought mostly about what I wanted this summer to stand for, and more about what I would stand for once it was over.

Looks like it's time for a solo trip. A real solo trip, a hero's journey, as they call it in the literary world. An epic adventure that brings me home a firm believer in myself and in the distance I will then be able to cover with another.

Where shall I go? And what would I think about?

That was it

2005-02-13T19:16:00.000-08:00

I said goodbye to my best friend today. I said goodbye before she leaves next week for Argentina where she will be until July. Not knowing again when I will see her, I wished her farewell.
Saying goodbye is something we do often, goodbye is said at all holidays we go home for, at the end of telephone calls, which are less and less often these days, at the end of summer vacations, last year when she studied abroad, whenever our time together must end.
I hate goodbyes, I dread them. I'm not one for change, and I hate the idea of spending the rest of the day without them. It makes that transition awkward and I feel lonely and nostalgic for the rest of the day.
This goodbye was easy. I didn't cry as I normally do. We merely hugged and I wished her a fabulous semester and a safe drive home. And that was it. That was it. I shut the car door and went on with my day. I thought of her a little as I took study breaks. But that was it. That was it. That was all I could give her as she travels to another country, and as she drove 5 hours for the weekend to visit me, and as our future plans seem so uncertain.

But as the weekend wore on I also realized how much we had both changed. She wasn't the same girl I usually say goodbye to. We have changed, we have had different experiences, we are different people. And it's hard to say goodbye to a friend who is like a stranger.

And for that, I say Grace.

Free yourself

2005-01-30T13:02:00.000-08:00

"Overcome your uncertainties and free yourself from dwelling on sorrow. If you delight in existence, you will become a guide to those who need you, revealing the path to many."
-Sutta Nipata

The more I live, the more I see this to be true. The more I live the more habits I develop. And the more habits I develop the harder it becomes to overcome the things in life that I have not yet known.
The horizons that have not yet been explored, the states of mind that have not been questioned and the people that I keep at an arms length.
The harder it becomes to open windows to the unknown. And those closed windows quickly become dirty, clouded from years of closure.

Tonight, as I feel sorry for myself, I repeat these words in my head. Knowing that I can guide others with my sorrow once I choose to overcome the uncertainty that lies in the future of tomorrow. And sadly (I guess I am 20 and all my friends are sold) this uncertainty applies mostly to the lack of boys lined up outside my door...
Perhaps I continue down my path, alone, and certain that once I continue to guide I will find those who need me, or those who I need.

Grace

Molded Model

2005-01-18T22:57:00.000-08:00

God dosen't make women like her anymore.
He can't.
He can't afford the impact they make on the world.
She was one in six billion- Blanche B. Evans.
With a name like that how one couldn't shatter others is beyond me.
"Head up."
"One foot in front of the other. Do not cross your ankles!"
She was a modeling instructor not just for the catwalk but for the sidewalk.
"When asked your name, reply with confidence and zest."

I learned more about myself from Blanche than my mother could ever teach me.
More about manners and the proper place to turn up your nose.
More about the shallow world we live in than she would ever know.
And more about the person I did not want to become,
the person who only wears the trends and wont meet the day until her face is made
than the both of them would ever know.

She made ninety look forty-seven.
Fiery red hair that matched her lip stick,
Tailored dress suits that belonged in New York City,
She made me loathe the day I would strut my "stuff."

As much as my blue eyes "that would make me famous" followed her step
And as much as my feet would respond to her every critique
There was something about Blanche
That made,

That made me
The modeling hating,
No-make-up-wearing,
Free soul that I am today.
And for that
I thank God,
For the one in only
Blanche B. Evans.

***
There was a time in my life when a model was all I ever thought I wanted to be. And Blanche was the woman who taught me everything she knew, while my mother was the one who paid for it, while also believing in my dream.
And for a few years, form where this poem came, I resented myself for this. I resented myself for wanting to be something based solely on my looks. However, now Im blessed with the opportunity I had to strut my stuff, blessed that these two women believed in my potential, not just my body's potential, that might someday take me down the runway, but my personality, and my voice that needed to be heard. These women gave me the confidence that I can now openly see in myself.
And for that, I say Grace.

Who is God

2005-01-13T11:47:00.002-08:00

I found this quote in a blog I frequent often: The Last Debate

"A friend once explained it this way: have you ever seen needlepoint? When you look at it from the back our perspective it's a big mess of knots, loose threads, loops and jumbled colors. It's also backwards. But when you see it from the front God's perspective the
picture is perfectly clear. But you know, if you accept this premise, you can spend sometime staring at the jumbled, messy, backwards picture, and parts of it will begin to make sense."

I had never thought of his work like this before. But in this time of great doubt, hurt, poverty, anguish...we remember that he is there too. That he was there in the wake of the tsunami, and the storms, and the murders, and in this cold weather. He is here now, and although it makes little sense as to how it all fits together, we may just have to stare long enough, hard enough, or perhaps just accept that its a mess to us, but on the other side he sees the picture.

For that I say Grace

What I miss...

2005-01-13T01:18:00.000-08:00

I'm standing in a meadow where I have spent many nights sleeping amongst its long grass gazing at the millions of pin pricks only to wake every morning to my sleeping bag covered in frost. It is here where I have spent many days chasing grass hoppers from petal to petal and chasing children in games of tag. It is from this meadow where I feel Gods presence and from where I have taught others of His grace. Its color is a lime green, sprinkled this week, with red and purple spots, next week it will be all white when the Elephant daises begin to bloom. I have gotten to the point where I know the time of summer based on the kind of color that can be found within that canvas.
In the distance two Sandhill Cranes graze for their lunch. They are part of the last family of cranes this side of the Mississippi and make their home on the hills around this meadow. Nearby a stream trickles through a rocky riverbed, almost dried up as the summer stretches on. Earlier this spring it was flooded past capacity when I had to bring campers through its water. Soaking their shoes and socks I had to deal with their complaining through the day hike. As a camper we use to build damns out of rocks and branches as a competition to see whose would hold the longest. Today that is no longer aloud, as it messes up the hydrosphere.
***
I miss camp today. I miss the hot summer days and cold nights mixed with Kool Aid, sunscreen, Lodge pole pines swaying in the breeze, kids' smiling faces, hugs around my legs, camp songs at the top of my lungs, laughing so hard it hurts, feeling God's love, a meadow full of color, a lake colder than snow, freshly washed feet with a dusting of dirt on the way back to the cabin, dirty jeans two weeks strong, Tevas with socks, smiles around a table full of "camp" food, a campfire on nights when its just still too warm, sleeping under thousands of stars, snowcapped peaks late into August.
It is days like this, when the outdoor temperature is 12 and the wind gusts are 15 mph, and all that lies in the distance is the unknown semester when I think of camp. It is on days like this when my mind and heart wonder to a place where people are warm, where the weather is warm, and the only cold is that mad dash into the lake.

I did beleive in Santa Claus

2005-01-10T11:06:00.000-08:00

Much like this memory. The man in the red suit use to be Santa in my eyes, he had drove his snowmobile on to the lake behind the house and come up the flight of stairs to make sure he knew where my brother and I were staying for Christmas. Today all I see in my uncle Mark. I want that naive, innocent outlook back. To be the child that believed anything that she was told, now it is only what I see, and even then I have to analyze and project the possibilities.

What I knew

2005-01-08T16:23:00.000-08:00

I want to write about what I knew, not what I know, but what I knew before reality became real. Before self expectation, before duty and obligation, before things became grey and fuzzy, and before my future didn't matter.
These are the memories in which I find comfort. These are the thoughts and events where I wish my heart still beat, where I wish my brain could still reflect.
These are the memories that transform with each day, and with each new experience. The time I broke my toe under a vending machine no longer hurts as much I thought it did at the time. And the names I was called by my brother no longer sting like they did. The scientist I wanted to become in second grade, has now faded under next semester's text books, covering non-fiction writing and PR case studies. The memories of playing legos and barbies after school with my brother, are now overlapped with discussions of politics and games of Gin rummy.
I want to remember what it was like to care only of what happened at that moment. I want to know what I knew then. How to relish the daylight and think nothing of the darkness. To play and to never question the imaginative world I lived in.

Resolve

2005-01-04T20:59:00.000-08:00

My only resolutions for 2005 are:

* to write everyday!- meaning to sit and truly write, to spend time not perfecting things that have already been said, but to create new ideas.

* to be assertive!- no longer will I pretend that this passive/assertive thing works. I want to speak my mind clearly and honestly with little hesitation.

Both will be easier said than done.

Just leave!

2005-01-02T16:26:00.000-08:00

It's over, has been for a month at least, but you just wont fade. I'm done talking about it, done thinking about what went wrong, or what we could have done differently, but for me the end has come. It was fun while it lasted buddy, but for now it's OVER. I don't need to keep in touch, I don't need to talk with you about forgiving or moving on, I've done that, in fact I had done it while we were still dating. So for heaven's sake let us just move on, but not move together to our separate places, but away from each other, forever.

Why must we remain friends? I know that we had a strong friendship for at least 2 years before we started dating, but perhaps that's all we were meant to have. Perhaps we have gotten all the fruit we were suppose to get. The juice is gone. And I'm ok with that, these past 3 years have been wonderful, I considered you a best friend, but maybe we have exhausted the possibilities, maybe it's time to part, but to be so thankful it happened

2005?!?

2005-01-01T13:46:00.000-08:00

At the breakfast table this morning, my father informed me that, “Whatever you wanted to get done in 2004, can no longer be done.”
He has such a refreshing way to look at the passing of time.

Around 10’oclock, on New Year’s eve a friend of mine, Liz received a call from a friend of hers on the east coast, wishing her a Happy New Year, Liz told her to call back in two hours as we were still in 2004.
As if her New Year salutation was meaningless.

As we watched the ball drop a family-friend, Gary asked how those people in Time Square were celebrating midnight at the same time as us west coasters??
Not only did 2004 slip out the back door but 2005 came in at the same time all over the world?
I told him I’d been trying to figure that out for years, as I took another drink of my MUCH too strong Korbel.

As I get older the New Year has less and less meaning. I use to get so
excited cause it meant I was getting closer to my birthday and closer to being grown-up, now it’s just uneventful and meaningless. Maybe once I turn 21 the magic will be back??

Happy New Year!
I'm still working on my resolutions.

Why I write

2004-11-15T22:16:00.000-08:00

I write when my mind is so full of questions the paper is the only answer. I write for the freedom of expression. I write when I can’t find the words to fill the air. I write because an empty page is the best listener. I write to remember. I write for my mother. I write for the audience that lives inside me. I write out of frustration for the world around me. I write for the sheer joy that comes from putting words together on a page. I write because I can’t do math. I write from the addiction of a finished piece. I write so that others may hear. I write so that others may see. I write only when words are screaming in my head. I write so that someday I may be published. I write for those who choose not to. I write for the challenge of revision. I write only at night when the air is still and my heart is full. I write when the glass has been filled and my ideas have runn’th over. I write to describe. I write when nothing else seems to work. I write to help me speak. I write to surprise myself. I write to find answers. I write to find stories. I write because I have the right. I write when I'm the only one who cares. I write to gain perspective. I write to write. I write to be heard.

October 13, 2004

2004-10-13T15:18:00.000-07:00

It's a beautiful fall day, a warm 65 degrees, election day is less than a month away. I want this blog to be nothing more than a place where I can openly post ideas, experiences, feelings and emotions, not for my own sanity but as a tool to connect people. To share my world with others, so they might find that no one is ever alone. That in the end, we are very similar creatures, living side by side is this mad, mad world.